just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
