Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
