I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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