We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
