his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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