dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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