DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
