lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
