Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
