you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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