The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
