so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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