A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
