Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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