i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
