The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
