theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
