the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
