also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We need a shit load of segways right now
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
