Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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