Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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