i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
