Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Randomize
