this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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