You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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