Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
