i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
