The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
