someone owes me an orgasm
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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