I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
