margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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