so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
