so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
