There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
