I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
