do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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