I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I wish I only lived at night.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
