just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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