im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
