He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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