mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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