the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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