he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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