I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You are the jesus of drinking
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
