don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
