Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
