Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
