my room smells like sperm. sweet.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
