apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
