On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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